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World & Nation
April Fools Issue
Fried shrimp cover-up in dining halls exposed

Investigative Reporter

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An anonymous student made a shocking discovery on Mar. 26, when she peeled the breading off her fried shrimp at Leutner. Further investigations have revealed that Leutner has been serving deep-fried cockroaches under the label “fried shrimp” for months now. University officials have declined comment, which leads students to suspect corruption.

The anonymous student, sophomore Elmira Pinkerton, explained, “I was about to bite into what I thought was shrimp. Something prompted me to peel of the breading. I’ve been eating it for months. I didn’t give it a second thought. This is, until I saw what the shrimp really was!” Fellow students described the scene as “horrific” and “like that scene from Jackass where the guy’s in the Chinese restaurant.” Pinkerton herself claims that she was “violently ill, is all. Wouldn’t you be?”

Inside sources have revealed that Leutner has been serving fried cockroaches for months now. Where the savings has been going is unknown, but students have been extremely suspicious of head chef Howe Dewy Cheetum. Cheetum had no comment, but shouted, “I’m king of the world!” as he sped away in his brand new Mercedes.

Students are aghast as this horrible deception, as they have trusted Leutner to provide them with what has so far been consistently excellent cuisine. Said zoology major Elwood Dowd, “Maybe it’s something new? You know, like it’s French or something.” Dowd then invited this reporter to have a drink with his friend Harvey, but was politely rejected.

Not all students have been horrified. Local animal rights activist Kat La Verr said, “It really serves them all right for not going vegan years ago. I only hope those poor cockroaches had painless deaths.” Freshman international business major Gitsa Round was delighted. Said Round, “I spent three years on the remote island country of Ichalalabee, and we regularly ate cockroaches. People should realize how nutritious cockroaches are.”

University officials have pledged to get to the bottom of this scandal. The University Food and Potables Committee will meet this Tuesday right after lunch, which they deny is their staple shrimp cocktail. Through mouthfuls of shrimp gumbo, UFPC president Phu Dhee commented, “I’m frankly appalled that this has happened to our students. We’ll conduct an investigation right away. But first, could you pass the salt?”

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Copyright 2003 The Observer / CWRU
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